THE HEALTH THAT COMES FROM PLACE

At first, it seemed like an offhand explanation with a few questions thrown in when I heard it.  However, I have come to realize that this brief interlude of teaching from Suzanne Stabile at one of my Cohort weekends with her is quickly becoming one of the most important teachings I received.  And it all has to do with knowing our place!  What do I mean?

When you find yourself in a group conversation or preparing for a meeting or entering what might be a situation that could trigger your shame, fear, or anger and thus cause you to begin to drop into unhealth, here are a few questions to help you pause and re-center:

• Where am I?

• Who is here with me?

• What are we talking about?

• What's my place?

When we are confused about the answers to these questions, the reality is we are very likely to react rather than respond because the confusion causes us to lose our sense of self.  And when we react, that means we are beginning our drop into unhealth toward excess.  But when we are sure about the answers to these questions, we are much more likely to find balance with our Centers of Intelligence and make the move then toward health in our number.  

So try it next time you find yourself having an interaction, or are entering into a conversation, or are preparing for a meeting.  

• Where am I?  Literally, where are you in this meeting, situation, or encounter? 

  • A grocery store check-out line.  

  • The church lobby. 

  • Talking with the principal of my child's school.

• Who is here with me?  Again, literally who is in the meeting, situation, or encounter with you? 

  • The check-out clerk. 

  • A group of friends.

  • The principal, my child, and my spouse.

• What are we talking about?  In other words, what is the subject of our interaction?  What are we actually engaging with one another about? 

  • Purchasing the groceries.

  • Plans for that afternoon.

  • Your child's recent report card and their challenges with math.

• What's my place?  Now, after all of that, what's your place in the situation, encounter, or conversation?  Who are you and maybe more importantly, who are you not?

  • You are the purchaser and they are helping you buy your groceries.  You are not - for example, 4s - the client of a therapist.  So when they ask how your day is, don't launch into a diatribe about your feelings regarding the challenges you are facing with your aging parents.

  • You are with mutual friends, 1s.  You are not back in the classroom with your high school students where you need to squelch their enthusiastic ideas with why they shouldn't or ought not have those plans with your rigid, rule-keeping judgment. 

  • You are the parent, 5s, not the expert in new math teaching methods that you insist the principal have your child's teacher learn. 

In other words, with what these examples seek to demonstrate, when we know our place, we can know our identity, belonging, and purpose so we can be our true self.  But when we confuse that, our default is to react in the unhealth of our number, hurting ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship thereby losing our place!


Want more to consider ?  Here's a bit more explanation through my lens as a 3::
I experience the poignancy of these questions often as I teach the Enneagram and work with clients.  When I enter a teaching situation, for example, and lose sight of the aspect of the Enneagram wisdom that we are focused on and forget who I am talking to, I lose a sense of my place in that moment.  And when that happens, impressing those "in the room" is my automatic reaction as a 3!  I am no longer centered in my identity, but rather now will feel the urge to craft an image that all will like and view as successful in their eyes so that I'm loved for what I do.  This is unhealth in my number and it has happened because I've lost my sense of "place".

But when I remember - when I'm accurate with the answers to these questions - I stay centered in my identity and find healthy resolution to triggers of shame that inevitably come rather than unhealthy, and excessive even, attempts at resolution through success.  Rather than repressed feelings of insecurity and inferiority coming out sideways, for example, my centered-self internally accepts that these feelings are present but doesn't feel the need to compensate in my default mode of image crafting to alleviate their painful, uncomfortable experience.