Reflections on 25 Years of Marriage
From David: What comes to my mind and heart most of all is the immense gift that God gave me when Betsie became my wife. I couldn't have imagined at that point where we would be now in our relationship. I thought it would be good... I prayed it would be... but it is definitely better than I imagined! It's also better than I could have imagined for a different reason.
When I do premarital counseling, I tell couples, "The person you are marrying now is not the same person you will be married to in 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, etc....so you have to be committed to growing and changing with this person and even more so, you need to recognize that in the covenant of marriage, you are committing to love this person as they are now and for who they will become." I share this with couples because we've lived it! And I don't just mean, of course, that Betsie is not the person I married 25 years ago because she's essentially lost her southern accent (insert emoji with crocodile tears - I LOVED her southern accent!). She's not the same person because she has chosen to pursue God's leading for growth and transformation to become more and more of her true self. And I love that! Yes, it's been hard. Yes, there are aspects of this "different woman" that I have had to adjust to. And, yes, the Enneagram has played a big part over the last ten years particularly helping us understand all of her change and transformation (as well as mine). And, yes, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!
Marriage takes work and choosing to grow and change and pursue health in who we are as God leads us has presented and continues to present challenges even in all the goodness of what God is doing. AND (not "but") it is all worth it! It is worth the work. It is worth the adjustments. It is worth the effort to "do the work" of pursuing our true selves in Christ - I love that we have shared (and share) in each other's journeys of transformation as God does God's work in our lives! And it's been worth it because it has reaped the reward of deeper love & intimacy between the two of us. I am continually amazed that "out of this entire world (she) has chosen me," a choice I know she makes again and again each day and one I make each day, too, as I choose to love her more and more each day.
From Betsie: When I think about how old I was when my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary and how that feels almost like a lifetime ago, it feels surreal to be at that same milestone, celebrating more than half of my life married to David! As I reflect on our marriage, I am incredibly grateful for the basic fact that we are both alive and well. Our relationship has been a gift that I desired and prayed for growing up and has been so much more of a blessing than I ever could’ve imagined, because of God’s grace. Through the many highs and lows and interruptions, the intentional work we have sown into our relationship has grown & blossomed. David has pursued me in ways I didn’t know I needed to be pursued. He has been a safe space for me. I am so grateful.
As I have integrated Enneagram work into my life, and as David has as well, the idea of being each other’s human answer to our childhood woundings has been a specific and tangible way to love one another better. As a type 6, the unconscious message I took in is that it’s not okay to trust myself. The message I needed to grab hold of but got lost somewhere along the way is that I am safe. As a type 3, David lost that he is loved for himself and his unconscious message is that it isn’t okay to have his own feelings. We believe the ultimate way to receive healing in these areas is from our relationship with God and resting in our belovedness. A gift we give to each other… a way we can be Jesus “with skin on” to each other, hopefully in some way every day, is communicating through love and acceptance the messages we each need to hear. When I communicate to David that I want to know his feelings and his feelings are safe with me, that strengthens him. When I remind him that I love him for WHO he is, not what he does, that brings healing. And I have been blessed to have found strength in the practical ways he has faithfully shown up for me that make me feel secure (being responsible with our money, driving respectfully, being a safe person who works hard to be patient and desires to hear from me and who desires that I have my own voice).
If you would like to learn more about integrating Enenagram wisdom into your most important relationship, we hope you will join us soon for an Enneagram and Marriage Seminar.