“Men aren’t as interested in spiritual growth and transformation as women.”

I have never liked this statement. It was used often in conversations about church attendance and church growth initiatives. “Target the men and the women will come anyway.” I don’t like the idea of targeting either when it comes to the church, but that’s a different post for a different setting.

What really bothers me about this quote is that I am starting to believe it’s true from experience. The reality is that in our work at Enneagram Insight and all the many offerings we’ve put forward and coaching sessions I have done, the vast majority of attendees are women.

This fact has been true in our workshops but also in our Cadres and retreats. We’ve engaged 5 communities of people in our Cadres since 2020. In that time, we’ve had 50+ people participate; of that 50+, 9 were men. At our most recent Advent spiritual retreat, we had 15 participants; 0 men. (And I know you might say, “Well, David that was a Friday and men are working with end of quarter/year pressure.” I’ll note that day that we had numerous women who work full time who took PTO, including two entrepreneurial business owners and a couple of Moms who care for their children full time. Last I checked, those Moms don’t have any PTO to use but I do believe most if not all men have PTO at their jobs.)

The place we see men the most are Marriage Seminars, most of whom admit that their wife brought them. Even in my coaching practice, my flow of clients never exceeds 50% men, (though I am pleased that it is close to that most often).

Why is this trend the reality? So why are women more drawn to spiritual growth and transformation?

I truly wonder if it really is as simple as biology. What do I mean?

Context first. A few years ago I participated in a Contemplative Spirituality Cohort experience with Joe Stabile (yes, Suzanne Stabile’s husband) at Life in the Trinity Ministries. In this cohort, one of the teachings was focused on the idea of the male and female journeys of transformation. Though generalized and therefore admittedly missing some cultural and time-bound nuances, both journeys are marked by the need to engage with one’s pain and power as one moves through life – specifically learning to embrace both but cling to neither. Or said another way, learning the art of letting go for the sake of spiritual transformation in our lives.

As we move through life, we are helped tremendously on this journey of dealing with pain and power, whether as a man or woman, by being initiated into life’s realities early on in our years:

“Life is hard.”

“You are not that important.”

“You are not in control.”

“Your life is not about you.”

“You are going to die.”

When we are initiated into these realities, we begin to learn at a young age that we are dependent creatures who are invited to look to God – The Divine – for strength, courage, wisdom, help, support, and more on our human journeys. The difference between biological men and women is that men have to manufacture this initiation while women are initiated into these realities by their bodies in their late “’tween” / early teen years. And this natural initiation, I think, leads to a spiritual advantage for women (though I recognize, ladies, that I am speaking as a men who has never experienced that biological pain)! They are naturally inclined to look “beyond themselves” to God as they move through life. Yes, what I am talking about is a woman getting her period. Said respectfully, again recognizing that I am a man writing this blog, “that time of the month” for a woman initiates her into these realities:

“Life is indeed hard! And you’re not that important because you’re just like every other woman who experiences this pain. You’re not in control – it comes when it comes. And because it comes, you are reminded that life is not all about you. This pain you’re experiencing – this “time of the month” creates the opportunity to bear children. And one day you are going to die. This flow of blood within you will stop. And yes, it can be so painful that it feels like you might die!”

But men have no such natural initiation. And unless we intentionally are brought into a space to be taught these realities (and even then it might not be enough because we do NOT have a continual reminder), we will simply push forward in our heroic journey toward building our self-defined identity not necessarily seeing a need for God naturally as women do. We continue on this self-dependent journey until a reality of failure comes and teaches us these life realities. But having had no initiation to be prepared for that, how we handle that failure and whether we turn to God or not is a tenuous situation at best.

All of this teaching is why I think men struggle to be as interested and intentional in spiritual growth and transformation as women. It’s literally in a woman’s biology to be in a place of understanding a need and want for God, and therefore choose to pursue intentional growth and experience transformation. I hesitate to say it is an advantage because I have never experienced the pain of this biological experience as they do, but from a wholistic perspective “as spiritual beings having a human experience” (to quote Philip Yancey), it certainly looks like it!

And… I might be wrong. There may be other reasons. Certainly this reason might not be the only one. But I do wonder…

So men, what shows in your life that you are actively pursuing spiritual growth and transformation? It doesn’t need to be one of our offerings. I get that. But it is interesting to see how our experience over 5+ years at Enneagram Insight mirrors the church and other forms of spiritual formation opportunities when they are offered.